Ending 2012 With a Bang.

Friends.

What a wonderful holiday season I have just come through. It was lovely to have time off but I am ready to jump back into regular life and a regular blogging schedule. I have so many amazing things planned for 2013 with Laces and Lattes and I cannot wait to share them with you. But FIRST, I want to thank you all for being such supportive, fantastic readers in 2012. I feel beyond blessed to have people who read my writing at all and although I would do it if no one were reading, you all turn it into a conversation. So thanks.

What have I been up to the last week and a half? It is hard to remember when life switches gears and moves at a different pace than normal. I am used to compartmentalizing my days and when it is one giant relaxing free-for-all, my mind is a blank. Here is a bit of a sneak of what I have been doing:

Dinner with University girlfriends in the Distillery District in Toronto (phone quality photos)

cute

archeo

lights

Babysitting with Jesse.
(Unlike they told their parents, we did not allow them to polish off an entire bag of PartyMix :P … Jesse treated it as dinner and gave them a hand. We put them to bed 2.5 hrs past their bedtime; obviously the most capable sitters EVER)

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Christmas Dinners with Family

I snapped this candid photo on my phone of my grandma and sister puzzling out a crossword together. One of my favourites!

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Christmas with the family

Yes. My mother bought us onesies. And yes, we wore them all morning.

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He isn’t a true boyfriend until he can hold you when you look like a cow and still be smiling…

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We weren’t the only ones who were dressed for the occasion:

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Celebrating 2 wonderful years in Niagara with Jesse

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Totalling my car

ouchYes. You read that correctly. Yesterday, I was heading home from Niagara to change and get ready to go out to the two New Years parties on our agenda. I was about 10 minutes away from home when I hit a snowy patch of ice and swung into an icy patch. I spun into the ditch facing forward and I remember nothing after that. It was a traumatic end in 2012, and 2013 has begun with insurance calls, car rentals and phone shopping. Yes. I feel a bit like Job, my phone was ruined in the accident as well.

I feel so blessed to have a family and partner that I can call at anytime for anything. Jesse dropped everything and came to let me sit in his truck while we waited for the police. My dad left work and my mother dropped her shopping. (Perhaps the most surprised of all at the latter). :P

They waited on the side of the road for almost two hours until the police and tow truck came.

And then they waited almost another two while the forms were filled, reports were filed and the car was loaded on the truck. I reacted a bit when the tow truck driver started treating my car like the wreckage it is. I named her Serendipity Elizabeth Kuepfer and have treated her like a human being since I have had her. When windshield wiper fluid hits the dashboard, I joke that I am washing her face. When she gets new snow tires, I tell my father he is helping me put on her new shoes. This car is literally an extension of me because I spend at least 2 hours driving every day. Totally ridiculous, I know, but I totally LOVED that car. On the way home from Niagara, I was waxing poetic to Jesse about how I grew up in Sera. I got her before University and she carried me through my entire undergrad. She took me to youth group, to parties, to South Carolina, to Indiana, Virginia, Ohio and all around Ontario. I literally could write a chapter on how much I loved this car, but I realize how ridiculous I sound. Regardless, this week I am squaring my shoulders and buying a replacement for Sera, naming it, and beginning another round of adventures in another “best car in the world.”

My parents cancelled their New Years plans, Jesse called his best friend and let him like we were not going to our New Years party and we all had a candlelight steak dinner and brought 2013 quietly watching War Horse and toasting with ice wine at midnight. It was a beautiful New Years, completely unexpected and opposite of what any of us had planned, but that is why it was perfect.

Much love to you all. And please, drive safely in 2013.

1st January 2013
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Christmas With Anorexia

I had a post all drafted up for today, but I threw it out the window in lieu of something else much more important.

Christmas seems to be a loaded time for many things; our tables are laden with wonderful food and our week is saturated with family events. It is a happy time. We are surrounded by the people we love and a feast almost every day of the week.

For an anorexic, that is the problem.

Jolene has been doing very well for the last while. She found a medication that worked with her and she had been actively trying to surround herself with a support network and positive influences.

The tricky thing with an eating disorder is that it is subtle. It slips up quietly; a few discouraging words from a person here, an interaction with a trigger there, and suddenly, what was looking like a breeze slides into battle field territory. Suddenly we notice that we are losing her again. The voice that we hear is no longer her, but her eating disorder. Her decisions are clouded by her impulses.

I am not saying Jolene has gone backwards. Any recovery is full of ups and downs. But Christmas strikes a deep fear in the heart of someone who struggles with food and makes each day a struggle.

We need to find a balance with the Christmas propaganda that you will need to “Lose Those Holidays Pounds” which assumes you will GAIN anything at all or suggests that food is a thing to be feared rather than celebrated. We need to find a way to celebrate sensible eating and the wonderful gift that our bodies are. Yes, we come in all shapes and sizes, but that is what makes it amazing.

fruitThis Christmas, eat your vegetables, have a bit of pie, and celebrate how beautiful you are and how blessed you are to be surrounded by family and friends.

And if you think of it, please send out positive thoughts and prayers to Jolene. Christmas is never an easy time for her, but we are celebrating the fact that it is her first Christmas with us in a while and surrounding her with support and love.

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21st December 2012
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The Dress: Part 3

Another fitting title for this blog post is UPDATESSSS! But I figured that you would be irritated before you began, so now that I have you – let’s talk about my dress.

You may have remembered about the huge dilemma I got myself into here, and what I did about it here. This post is the next step in the saga.

So, I dropped it off at the best dry cleaners in Waterloo Region and waited with anticipation. Anticipation turned to anxiety as a month past. Anxiety turned to anger as 2 months past. After 4 months of popping in and out and receiving word that “they had just sent it back because the cleaner didn’t do a good enough job” and that they “would call me on Monday” (they didn’t) and acquiring a new name for myself when I walk into the store “Purple Nicole Miller?”, I finally (finally) got that dress back.

And you know what? I still needed to pay for it. And the stain is not completely out. But they washed it so much, the hem came out and they literally re dyed it to try and get it out. The tailor at the shop told me that I was the cleaner’s hardest case in their history and “that they loved the challenge.” (Said through gritted teeth, I am sure).

But I took it out for a spin at a company Christmas dinner and the second I put it on, I forgot all about the issues that I had with the dress. It is still perfect and I still love it an unusual amount.

[pretend that I have a seamless transition here and...]

Laces And Lattes On The Interwebs: 

I have been accepted as a Fitfluential Ambassador! This means that I will be joined to a community that works alongside advertising companies with athletic products and events.

Laces and Lattes was featured on Nancy’s blog today. Check it out!

Some of the best stuff I read this today:

Why going to a bookshop is a lot like praying in Paperback Prayer by the incredibly talented Lindsay. (We have already decided I will be her book agent when her book comes out).

My friend Michael writes about how to have healthy holidays. 

That’s a wrap for this week, folks. I will be back with bells on next week. I have some exciting plans this weekend including another Christmas dinner, going to the Christkindl Market with a friend, going to The Messiah and more… It’s beginning to feel a lot like Christmas…

 

7th December 2012
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Awkward Family Photos: The Kuepfer Edition

It all began about 5 months ago.

My mother waited anxiously until dessert to ask.

“I want to do family pictures for a Christmas card.”

There was stifled silence.

See – we have all lived through this before. It is not just family pictures in our household. It is months of agonizing over colour schemes, increased portion control and a search for the proper concealer.

For some of us anyways.

There are two people in our family who are not overly fond of pictures. I won’t name any names.

hate pictures

Regardless. We carefully hummed and hawed over a perfect colour scheme [black, grey, white and burgundy, in case you were wondering] and found the perfect location only to realize that the photoshot was going to be in sub-zero temperatures the day of and kept all of our coats on which ruined the colour scheme. O – and I spilled a cup of coffee on my coat on the way to the photoshoot.

We all* arrived at the photoshoot on time.

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We took our places after trying to hide fresh coffee stains and stifled last minute laments of wearing expensive leather shoes in wet snow.

What follows is only the out takes of our family photos. There were some that turned out. But I prefer the truly tragic and awkward moments because they are the most memorable.

Like when the photographer asked Jesse to look into my eyes lovingly and I turned and saw an expression of a pedophile.

creepy Christmas

Which resulted in a few uncontrolled photos.

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Like when our dog was dancing:

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Like when Jesse was told to give me a hug:

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And if you ever want to see Jesse’s expression after doing something he should not, look no further. And that is my “someone-said-something-off-colour laugh, in case you were wondering. The rest of the family blissfully unaware.

Jesse dirty

Actual conversation…

jesse not smiling

Then there is an entire pose worth of photos in which my father seems to have forgotten that we were taking family portraits and instead, gazes quizzically into the great unknown, dog in hand.

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And the photos were our dog tried to escape for every single moment of them.

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our photographerWhat I am trying to say is that I love these precious people and there is no one else I would rather take awkward photos with. (By the way, we got some amazing photos as well thanks to . She had her job cut out for her to have 7 people look good all at once.)

Speaking of my mother – this week, she comes cavorting into the kitchen, severely over caffeinated:

“I am going to take my steel sun flower down from above the front door! May I use the roof of your car? It is the perfect height!”

“Mom! Do people even do that? You are joking, right?”

Mom: “Only about half…it would work, you know.”

Me; “The answer is no. You may not crawl on the roof of my car to take down your metal sunflower. Let me get it for you.”

Mom: “That is ok! I would dent it in anyways and I will not let you and your skinny legs do it! I just need a stool!” [produces a tall, wobbling, three legged monstrosity]

Me: “Mother. Seriously. You are not crawling up on that at your age and condition…”

Mom: “No. I am fine! I have my heeled boots on. And don’t worry, I have a knife.”

Me: You are on a rickety stool to do overhead work with a jagged edged, steel sunflower in high heels, but I am not to worry, because you have a knife?”

Mom: Precisely. I am fine! But if something were to happen, I prefer Listowel Hospital over St Mary’s, please. *sails out front door.

Lord help us.

1st December 2012
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Jar of Hearts

Christmas dredges up a lot of different feelings for me and I have to say I am relieved. For a very long time, I have not felt much regarding Jolene; people ask how I am doing and the answer is fine. I am not lying. I am. I have had this discussion often with my family and others dealing with tragedy. It is an excellent tactic of the brain because we are not meant to spend our days in our pajama’s, eating ice cream from the carton and wallowing in our own tears and misery because that will not help anyone. So we just feel nothing but a lot of love for Jolene.

But as Christmas approaches, I am feeling it all. Frustration, anger, guilt and sadness.

Frustration with the fact that Jolene seems to be going backwards. That her voice sounds smaller every time I talk to her and her desire to fight her eating disorder doesn’t exist. It is so much money and so much time from my family, the government and friends and it sometimes seems for nothing.
Frustration with the well meaning people that touch my arm and tell me “She is going to be ok and completely healed, just wait.”
I am sometimes tempted to whirl on them and ask them what secret knowledge they have discovered that my family has neglected to unearth along the way. How they can flippantly promise such an unknowable thing? Jolene may never be healed and that is something we need to work through every day. It is like telling a family member of a level 4 cancer patient that “They will live, just wait and see!”

Anger that Jolene is needing to miss Christmas with our family.
Anger that the monster has grown stronger and she is trying to self harm so they cut her nails to the quick and put gloves on her, like an infant. So she will spend Christmas day sitting on a couch, little hands in gloves, eating food that she loathes to touch and without the tangible support of loved ones.
The other day my mother came up to me, put her head on my shoulder and said in a small voice, “Some times I wonder where God is.”
And I guess that is where we are all feeling as Christmas approaches. What we all felt when we heard that Jolene’s Christmas wish was to come home for Christmas, say good bye to us, and go back to Utah and allow the eating disorder to take her life.

Guilt because I am moving forward, living a wonderful and colourful life while my sister cannot do that. Guilt because I live for the moment where I can wake up to my life and Jolene lives so she can go to sleep and forget. Guilt that I have a beautiful man in my life that makes me feel like I can accomplish anything, that I just received three of my dream jobs in the last month teaching enriched high school english, writing for the Waterloo Region Food Roundtable and working at Alternatives Journal. Guilt that I can laugh till I cry with my mother, talk for hours with my sister Megan and discuss ideas about life and the world with my dad.
I am living and moving and I feel like I am leaving her behind.

So naturally, this conjures up a lot of sadness right now.  You will not find me in my pajama’s, face planting in Ben and Jerry’s but you may find me crying in the car or at random inopportune moments.

Like on my run this morning when Christina Perri’s “Jar of Hearts” came on my iPod because that is the song Jolene had chosen for her recovery song.

She chose it as her message to the Eating Disorder this summer when she came home. And that hasn’t changed, but she just let her heart get broken again.

Last week, we had family therapy session with her councillor and her and as a family we were supposed to say what our hopes and dreams were for her in the future to show that there are people who believe in her when she doesn’t believe in herself.

She responded “Well, I like everything you said, but I think I will just let you all down”.

So I began thinking that it was about time she had a jar of hearts that she can see every day. Full of dreams and hopes and memories and inspiration that are not just from our family, but our community and the world. So I am collecting them from you. I am taking the messages you said, placing them on a heart and sealing them in a jar with the lyrics to the song and sending it with a local family that is driving to Avalon Hills to see their daughter who is with Jolene there. This way, Jolene can get a message of hope, love and a little laughter for Christmas so maybe she won’t feel so alone, so hopeless and so sad.

So if you want to join in on this, please send your message to me in the comments below, my e-mail account or bring it into Home Hardware in Wellesley tomorrow. I will be accepting messages until 5 pm tomorrow. Thank you to everyone who has already sent some, you are encouraging our entire family with them.

If you are unable to send a message and want to help Jolene in some way, we are selling Eating Disorder Awareness Bracelets at Wellesley Home Hardware and Anna Mae’s Bakery for $2.00 with the message “Freedom” and “Courage”. If you are unable to make it to those locations, contact me and I will get your order to you.

Thank you for helping us believe in miracles.

21st December 2011
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Cross Training

Let’s talk cross training.

This morning, my sister and I were making plans for me to go join her at her Body Flow class tonight at her gym. She looked at me skeptically and asked if I am sure I wouldn’t rather be running.

I have a confession. I have not run longer then 45 minutes since my last race. And I like it!

I am taking opportunity to do play other sports and forms of activity like Squash every Thursday morning with a close friend, lots of Body Flow at my sister’s gym and weight training.

It is definately a different feel then when I was in my cardio frenzy, but I feel more healthy and even lost weight which is significant with all the weight training I am doing.

Winter is a hard time for me to get activity in but my number one way is snowboarding.

We are leaving on a family ski trip to the mountains right before I leave. And to see this little one…

who cannot join us for Christmas. (Just look at those mountains in the back ground!)

Other things I love to do in the winter are skating and snow shoeing. I have a new pair of skates and hope to get out at least ONCE this winter. As for snow shoeing, I don’t own a pair, but it is on my bucket list!

Christmas will not be the same this year, but I am hoping for a safe, happy and healthy one – and I wish the same to you!

What is your favourite way to cross train in the winter?

What are your plans for Christmas?

Run Strong!

14th December 2010
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