Jar of Hearts
Christmas dredges up a lot of different feelings for me and I have to say I am relieved. For a very long time, I have not felt much regarding Jolene; people ask how I am doing and the answer is fine. I am not lying. I am. I have had this discussion often with my family and others dealing with tragedy. It is an excellent tactic of the brain because we are not meant to spend our days in our pajama’s, eating ice cream from the carton and wallowing in our own tears and misery because that will not help anyone. So we just feel nothing but a lot of love for Jolene.
But as Christmas approaches, I am feeling it all. Frustration, anger, guilt and sadness.
Frustration with the fact that Jolene seems to be going backwards. That her voice sounds smaller every time I talk to her and her desire to fight her eating disorder doesn’t exist. It is so much money and so much time from my family, the government and friends and it sometimes seems for nothing.
Frustration with the well meaning people that touch my arm and tell me “She is going to be ok and completely healed, just wait.”
I am sometimes tempted to whirl on them and ask them what secret knowledge they have discovered that my family has neglected to unearth along the way. How they can flippantly promise such an unknowable thing? Jolene may never be healed and that is something we need to work through every day. It is like telling a family member of a level 4 cancer patient that “They will live, just wait and see!”
Anger that Jolene is needing to miss Christmas with our family.
Anger that the monster has grown stronger and she is trying to self harm so they cut her nails to the quick and put gloves on her, like an infant. So she will spend Christmas day sitting on a couch, little hands in gloves, eating food that she loathes to touch and without the tangible support of loved ones.
The other day my mother came up to me, put her head on my shoulder and said in a small voice, “Some times I wonder where God is.”
And I guess that is where we are all feeling as Christmas approaches. What we all felt when we heard that Jolene’s Christmas wish was to come home for Christmas, say good bye to us, and go back to Utah and allow the eating disorder to take her life.
Guilt because I am moving forward, living a wonderful and colourful life while my sister cannot do that. Guilt because I live for the moment where I can wake up to my life and Jolene lives so she can go to sleep and forget. Guilt that I have a beautiful man in my life that makes me feel like I can accomplish anything, that I just received three of my dream jobs in the last month teaching enriched high school english, writing for the Waterloo Region Food Roundtable and working at Alternatives Journal. Guilt that I can laugh till I cry with my mother, talk for hours with my sister Megan and discuss ideas about life and the world with my dad.
I am living and moving and I feel like I am leaving her behind.
So naturally, this conjures up a lot of sadness right now. You will not find me in my pajama’s, face planting in Ben and Jerry’s but you may find me crying in the car or at random inopportune moments.
Like on my run this morning when Christina Perri’s “Jar of Hearts” came on my iPod because that is the song Jolene had chosen for her recovery song.
She chose it as her message to the Eating Disorder this summer when she came home. And that hasn’t changed, but she just let her heart get broken again.
Last week, we had family therapy session with her councillor and her and as a family we were supposed to say what our hopes and dreams were for her in the future to show that there are people who believe in her when she doesn’t believe in herself.
She responded “Well, I like everything you said, but I think I will just let you all down”.
So I began thinking that it was about time she had a jar of hearts that she can see every day. Full of dreams and hopes and memories and inspiration that are not just from our family, but our community and the world. So I am collecting them from you. I am taking the messages you said, placing them on a heart and sealing them in a jar with the lyrics to the song and sending it with a local family that is driving to Avalon Hills to see their daughter who is with Jolene there. This way, Jolene can get a message of hope, love and a little laughter for Christmas so maybe she won’t feel so alone, so hopeless and so sad.
So if you want to join in on this, please send your message to me in the comments below, my e-mail account or bring it into Home Hardware in Wellesley tomorrow. I will be accepting messages until 5 pm tomorrow. Thank you to everyone who has already sent some, you are encouraging our entire family with them.
If you are unable to send a message and want to help Jolene in some way, we are selling Eating Disorder Awareness Bracelets at Wellesley Home Hardware and Anna Mae’s Bakery for $2.00 with the message “Freedom” and “Courage”. If you are unable to make it to those locations, contact me and I will get your order to you.
Thank you for helping us believe in miracles.
Dear Jolene
Just wanted to let you know that you are an amazing girl, and you have an amazing family. We are praying for you all, and asking God to cover you with his comfort and grace. God has a great big heart, and has great, great love for you.
Wishing you many special blessings in the New Year
Myron and Mary Jantzi
I cannot imagine what your family is going through. I won’t even claim that I understand, or promise that healing will come, or that everything is going to be alright. But I will be praying Jess! Because that is all I can do.
I would really like to have a bracelet or two. I wish I would have known Anna Mae’s sells them. I could have pick several up last weekend!
Dear Jolene,
You don’t know me, but I know your sister, Jess, and I feel like I know you because of her. I’ve never cried so many tears over a person I’ve never met like I’ve cried over you. You are such a beautiful girl and I hate that you’re going through such an awful thing like anorexia. I’m so sorry that you have to be away from your family for Christmas. I’m sure it must be a very painful feeling. Know that there are MANY people praying for you and caring about you. No matter what happens, Jesus loves you and cares about you. Tell Him how you feel, even if you’re angry and have to yell at Him. He totally understands!
Sending lots of love and prayers your way!
Andrea Cospito (Sioux Lookout, ON)
P.S. Jess, feel free to edit anything in or out of this message. You know your sister and what might hurt her. We’re praying for you and your family too. I’m so sorry for the guilt and other feelings that are hitting you right now. You love your sister; that’s why this hurts so much. I hope you can have a good Christmas in spite of the pain.
Dearest Jolene,
I was so very sad when I heard that you won’t be coming home for Christmas. Although you must feel terribly alone, I want you to know that you are not forgotten. I think of you and pray for you daily.
My heart aches for you because of the monster that has robbed you of so much. I realize Jolene, that any advice or even encouragement from me must seem ignorant, heartless, or even stupid because I cannot even begin to fathom the terrible strength and cruel, ruthless, callous of this beast.
But for what its worth, these are my thoughts and feelings. I know that you can defeat this thing Jolene, but also realize that you are going to need to choose it regardless of the cost and discipline it will take. By God’s grace and blessing I am praying that you can begin again to take the steps one by one to health and joy in life.
I wish I could see you again (I really do). Remember last summer when I stopped at Anna Mae’s to buy coffees and we talked and caught up briefly? I was not usually the guy to go buy the coffee so I believe it was a God-thing that day. That brief meeting thrilled me. On the way back to the job site I think a tear of joy for you rolled down my cheek. I was so happy to see your smile and hear you speak again. (Now that doesn’t sound very manly….lol) I simply care for you and always have. Be encouraged, blessed, and lifted up my friend.
I love you, care about you, and think of you often. You are in my heart and prayers.
From your friend and old teacher,
Calvin
P.S. Jess, I’d like to copy the “P.S” from the previous comment….my thoughts also. Many blessings to you and your family this Christmas. I think of you guys often. Be encouraged.
Thank you so much Calvin. I know you are an extremely inspirational and important person to Jolene’s life and she will be so blessed to get this from you. I really cannot thank you enough. It is perfect as is, no editing will be done!
And Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Thank you so much, Andrea. I am so blessed to receive messages from people who have never met Jolene. I will not edit at all, it is beautiful. Wishing you and Joe a Merry Christmas!
Thank you so much, Andrea. I am so blessed to receive messages from people who have never met Jolene. I will not edit at all, it is beautiful. May you have a Merry Christmas.
Dear Jolene,
My demon is breast cancer and I understand the feeling of something taking over the body we don’t have much control over. I say “much” because we still have some control and that “some” is worth fighting for. I believe you have what it takes to kick butt.
I’m asking from one fighter to another to stay in the game…you’re worth it!!
My wish, Jolene….
Come back to Wellesley so I can give you a BIG hug and you can rub my bald head and then, as a team…we yell at the top of our lungs…GAME ON!!
Because we’re worth it!
A caring friend,
Wendy